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For her Saturday column, The New York Times’ Maureen Dowd tried to be funny, I think:

President Donald J. Trump will walk into the Oval Office and be stunned.

First, it will be a shock to work in an office decorated with images of men other than himself. Second, he is bound to be suffused with awe as he looks around at the Remington bronze bronco, the Rockwell “Statue of Liberty,” the portraits of Washington and Lincoln, the Swedish ivy on the mantel that has eavesdropped — and leavesdropped — on so much history.

The new president will suddenly realize that Joe Biden is right. He needs to grow up. Chuck Schumer is right. He has to stop nonsense-tweeting and name-calling. John McCain is right. He needs to stop fawning over Vladimir Putin, his B.F.F. whose eyes flash “K.G.B.”

Donald Trump will, at long last, assume a mantle of dignity.


Yeah. I mean, I think this is supposed to be humorous? I can’t tell if the use of the bait-and-switch “NOT!” is a testament to how out-of-touch Dowd is with current comic trends or if it’s a sad attempt at irony, the verbal equivalent to a purposely-cheesy vinyl scratch.

Anyway, Maureen has less to say than usual, oscillating between sentences describing events that are just crazy, bro:

Everything is turned inside out into sauerkraut. Democrats are appalled that Trump is challenging the C.I.A., the same agency that got W.M.D.s wrong. Republicans are cuddling up to Russia. Mitch McConnell says the American people will not tolerate the Democrats’ holding up a Supreme Court nominee. WikiLeaks is protesting leaks. Trump and Sean Hannity suddenly love Julian Assange.

And this is about the extent to which Dowd thinks the problem goes: Trump ain’t yer grandma’s president! He’s a topsy-turvy rogue who plays by his own rules!

(A note on the CIA bit—it would be one thing if the Democrats were backing up the CIA on hacking allegations when no information that was hacked was made public. But that’s not the case. The info was stolen and released and it’s there for all to see. Can’t say the same about WMD, can we? [Also, Maureen, it’s WMD, not WMDs. WMDs would be Weapons of Mass Destructions.])

Much of the column is just that—discussing how those in Washington are just besides themselves that this buffoon is going to be president. Two quick things for Maureen: 1) It would have been nice for you to have even pretended to give a shit about the nonsense Trump spewed when you interviewed him five different fucking times and let him say whatever he wanted with virtually no follow-up questions during the course of the campaign. 2) Since Dowd made her name eviscerating the Clintons in the 90s, I guess she sees all of politics as spectacle—corruption and lies and gossip that is completely insular and has no effect on the real world. Protip if you’re going to continue writing this stuff for the next four years: understand that the Donald’s words and actions have repercussions that will affect real people. Real people, Maureen, not your friends in Washington whose biggest concern is getting embarrassed on TV.

But hey. Credit where credit is due. Dowd has been critical of George W. Bush, so maybe she’ll hunker down and take Trump to task when he inevitably does something irreparably harmful. Maybe she’ll get good at prognosticating.